In my work as a therapist, I am confronted daily with both the difficulty and the possibility of change. I have identified some principles that I have found useful in promoting the change process with clients. These principles create the SAFE model, which I hope is helpful to you in your attempt to change unproductive patterns of behavior.
Self-Care: Do you hold a self punitive attitude toward yourself? Do you beat yourself up for your negative behaviors and perceived failures? The foundation of meaningful change must include an attitude of self-affirmation and self-respect. Your negative behaviors have served an important function in your life which you are now outgrowing. You must affirm yourself for having the courage to move beyond dysfunctional patterns, without allowing shame and guilt about the past to derail your efforts. It is important that you shift your focus from an emphasis on receiving validation from others, and begin to cultivate your ability to self-validate. This involves learning to value your needs and feelings above what others think of you. Self-care is not about "indulging" your self or making excuses for yourself. Rather, it is about honoring yourself enough to face temporary discomfort in the service of becoming a stronger, fuller You.
Anticipate Resistance: All change involves a tension between the wish to change and the behavioral pull back into well worn patterns. Your negative behaviors may be self-destructive, however, they hold a comfort and familiarity that can exert a magnetic force backward. You may feel better when you exercise, eat well, and minimize alcohol, yet after a period of being "good," you find yourself engaging in these behaviors again. You may not like these habits, you may not like the consequences, yet you continue to engage in these behaviors. The key to sustaining change is finding a way to continue your path of change when you least feel like it. It is important that you anticipate crises of commitment, and there may be several, because you can then prepare yourself with practical tools that will assist you in avoiding old, "comfortable" beliefs that you are hopeless, or that it's just "too difficult."
Face Difficulty: It is vital in the change process that you begin to look at your pattern of avoidance. Avoidance is very unhealthy. When you avoid something, you experience a short term relief - "phew, off the hook." But deep down you know. You are not really off the hook. The tax man will come knocking, your credit card will come due. Just because you don't see it happening, doesn't mean it’s not happening. You don't need to face everything at once. Small, consistent efforts are all that is required. By maintaining this stance of facing difficulty in your life, you will gradually replace your pattern of avoidance with competence and confidence. This will improve all areas of your life.
Expect gradual improvement: "Rome wasn't built in a day." "Eat the elephant one bite at a time." "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." You have heard these truisms and you agree with them. Have they been difficult to apply in your own life? Do you want instant results? Just add water and you have it, a new and improved you! It is important that you find a way to engage in and value the process of change. This means finding a way to balance your anticipation of results with some enjoyment of, or at least tolerance for, the day to day process. Can you be patient enough to value the courage that you are showing by beginning a long, seemingly endless journey that holds no guarantee of success? Can you trust that changes will come to fruition, even if this does not happen immediately? Cultivating this attitude takes "work," especially in our results oriented culture. It is possible, however, to shift your focus from the ends and begin to value and relax into the work that is in front of you. Allowing, versus forcing, the process of change shifts your attitude toward the change process from self improvement to one genuine self-care.
